We can heal — together

TW: Brief mentions of depression, self-harm, and panic attacks.

##“If I tell people that I have depression and that I self-harm, will they stop talking to me?”

Throughout my long journey with my mental health, in my worst moments, this was the question that replayed over and over in my mind. Whenever the desire to reach out for help became unbearable, whenever I felt like I’d go insane if I didn’t just talk to someone, this is what jolted me back to reality.

One could say I had good reason to worry. The first person I opened up about my mental health struggles to hardly had a comforting reaction. “Shruti, stop it.” he said. “You’re scaring me.” He told me I was insane and that I was lying about my panic attacks. He distanced himself from me immediately after that, and I didn’t have the strength to tell him he was wrong. To this day, we still don’t talk; our friendship was forever ruined by my confession.

That day, something in me shifted. I swore to never tell people about what I was going through because I constantly feared being judged for something I couldn’t control. I thought that if I ever said what was really on my mind, I would lose everyone close to me.

Needless to say, closing myself off like this affected my life—and mental health—significantly. It worsened my relationship with my family, friends, significant other, and most importantly, myself. I built walls around me, praying that no one would see through them. I took impulsive decisions, got into endless fights because of my insecurities. I hid parts of myself I didn’t want anyone else to see.

I was terrified that people would leave me once they knew the truth. So before they could leave me, I would leave them.

But of course, deception can only last for so long. After a year of too many breakdowns and failed relationships, I finally got real with myself. I realized that it feels so much better to have a few people really know you and love you than to have a hundred people love you but never really know you.

Some people are meant to be in your life only for a certain amount of time and some might be with you till the very end. And that’s okay. What’s important is that you cherish the people in your life who love you while you can.

I know that there are millions of people out there who feel empty and defeated, some of whom may even be reading this blog right now. So if you’re someone who is struggling, hoping someone finally listens to your silent cries, here’s what I want to tell you. Pick up your phone, call that friend who’s been trying to reach you, and tell them what’s going on.

No, they won't think it's ridiculous or that you're being dramatic.

No, they won't stop talking to you.

And if they do, they aren’t the right ones for you. I know it can be difficult when someone you love fails to understand you. But if I could get past that, then so can you. If and when someone abandons or judges you, understand that it isn’t about you at all. It’s about them and their own limitations, their own close-mindedness. It’s about the way they look at the world and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth does not come from other people’s acceptance of you. You exist, and therefore, you deserve the love and help you require. Even if one person doesn’t get that, remember that someone else will, and does.

Asking for help doesn't make you weak. Reaching out—admitting that you're hurting and that you need support—takes an immense amount of courage. Courage that I know you have in you.

Things will get overwhelming, and things will get lonely. But I want you to know that you don’t have to do everything by yourself. I want you to know that you are not alone. There will always be people who care for you and want to listen to you, even though sometimes it may seem otherwise.

The journey is a tough one, but you don't have to walk through it alone.

##We can heal—together.